Home is where the Heart is

So the revelation has come. You know that one I hinted to, that I felt was just waiting for me at the next turn? Well, it arrived after a week of feeling unsettled, uncertain, emotionally wraught. I started to think, is the weather bringing me down? Am I unhappy? What's going on?! So I thought about it, talked to people both here and in Toronto, meditated on it, weighed my options, and I had my breakthrough. You see, I must explain something. For years I searched for love outside of myself, surrounding myself with external beauty in friends, lovers, surroundings and workplaces. I worked in film, where I captured the most beautiful image I could find. I then went to the beauty industry where the focus was on external beauty. I got a glimpse of understanding when I went to Tucson last year, and saw the internal beauty of the practitioners shine through their yoga practice. Ahh, I got a taste.
When people asked why I moved to Vancouver, unknowingly to me in finding the connection just yet, I commented because it's pretty. I wanted to be close to ocean and mountains, to be around more natural beauty. In my mind's eye, by that point, I obviously did not feel Toronto was as full for me. Well, um, yeah, because I was working seven days a week. I had no time to meditate, to cultivate my intuition on a regular basis, to regularly even practice, so how could I see what was right infront of me? So, my guides sent me out to a place of beauty, to work with an incredible group of talented teachers and students, a yoga mecca, an idyllic situation. It also was idyllic, for it worked out oddly enough, that all my classes were chunked together, and I for the first time in years had the opportunity to experience real time off. With no close friends or family around, I had solitude. I had time to decipher my internal struggles.
When I decided to move here, I started to see the beauty of the kula I created, this incredible circle of family and friends in Toronto. But I knew I had to come out here to Vancouver, something was pushing me here. I had to come out to get away from my overly zealous work habits, take time to cleanse and rejuvenate, to go into survival mode, and come across nothing but me. And if you've been following my journey here, it's been so clarifying, full of wondrous moments and magical experiencs. The students I have met, the kula I have already started to build here, are nectar to my soul, I have learned so much from these laid-back, yet still lovingly committed yogis.
Within my studies, practice and teaching of yoga, I've been feeling like I've been searching, searching for an answer that was still past my grasp. So, I would book myself into yet another training, or take on some more classes, knowing that maybe the next experience would be the one. Yes, my life became my yoga. Then I realized this week that the answer that I was searching for is that there is no answer. I already had the answer, within me. The beauty that I was looking for, the love that I was looking for, all these years, outside of myself, it finally dawned on me. It's truly inside of me. The love that I felt all around me wherever I go, is a reflection of the love within. I felt this, and it was real!
I remember talking to a friend during my immersions in Tucson about how both of us were so transient, that we always travelled, it was hard for us to root down and settle. We contemplated on what would help us settle in a city, and at that time, we both came to the conclusion it would have to be someone we loved. If we found a person to love, and they lived in Hawaii, then we'd root there. Now, I realize that the ability to settle comes when you have discovered self-love. Something I knew for years that I was oddly lacking, but unsure why. My inner self led to me always searching for this love, be it outside of me, even during my years of fear. Well, I feel it, for the first time in I don't know how long, my heart has stopped being broken open, and it feels like I have opened internally to my capacity to love.
With this new awareness, I see that yes, I can build a community, a kula, wherever I go. But where my home is, is where my heart is. And my heart, my loving family, friends and kula are currently in Toronto. For the first time in a long time, I feel excited to call Toronto my home. Sure, it's hectic and busy and not totally pretty, but it's where my heart aches to be.
So yes my friends from all kulas in Toronto, Vancouver, Tucson, etc. who may be reading this. I have fallen in love with myself and am now ready to place some roots in my home, to settle in Toronto for the first time. It is of course a bittersweet decision, for everyone out here, family, friends and yoga community have been so warm, so supportive and welcoming. But as I continue to realize, kula is all about expansion, and my kula is simply continuing to grow. I now have a place to visit for delightful play and West Coast vibes.
I also realize that teaching less than more is beneficial for me, for I enjoy being within this clarity, and I plan to teach less when I return to Toronto, not more. I aim to balance my teaching and practice of yoga with my desire to aide people theraputically, and am planning to enroll in massage therapy school in the late spring. I feel by balancing these two professions, I will have the opportunity to keep fresh this incredible feeling that I have come across within these past two months. Helping people without burning myself out, or extending myself too thin.
So yes, this is a huge revelation for me, and I thank my Vancouver kula for enabling me to come to it. I feel so grounded in my voice as a teacher, and am passionate of what's to come in my role as a student.
When you may ask? I'll be flying back home in the second week of December. My home of my heart. I look forward to embracing my loving reflections within my family and friends sooner than soon! Joyous tears flow, and my heart pounds in anticipation. I have two more weeks to celebrate with my Vancouver familiars, let us embrace, rejoice and connect in the small time we have together! Om Namah Shivaya Gurave!

Falling off the Yoga Train

Okay, so I admit it, I fell off the wagon this week, so to speak. I played hooky from group classes, I took a vacation from the kula. Yup, I admit it, even I, the praiser of community, support networks and yoga TOOK A BREAK. I said NO to the group experience, and was a glutton in my own self, I spent time indoors, burnt nice smelling incense, read the Hatha Yoga Pradipika. Yes, I read about the diligent cleansing techniques of yogis who attained superpowers, the sweet diet and restraints, as I suspended my 30-day challenge for some ME time. Yes, third week of the challenge, my SELF came back full-force, and wanted to nurture itself, wanted to be alone, desired to enjoy the company of ME. Funnily enough, the theme for the third week is support.
I had a great chat with some friends on Tuesday night about all things yogic and inbetween, and I wonder, can sometimes it be yogic to be deliciously unkulic (that's a made up word). Can I choose sometimes to be unsupportive along this path? Can I work on fostering my selfishness as much as I work on my selflessness? Yoga practice is a lifelong endeavour, and yes, my practice and my consistency ebb and flow with my personal journey. I've been feeling a tad introspective after my birthday last week, and I truly just needed time and solitude to figure some things out. I still felt I was practicing yoga, just in a different way. Honouring my desires, paying attention to my mind, body and spirit, and concluding what would best serve my growth on this part of my escapade.
So yes, my gold stars will be lacking on the community board at the studio, but do I really care? Is that snide to say? As I aim to motivate and focus my students, is it motivational to say proudly "I TOOK A BREAK!"?
I think it is. When my teachers became human in my eyes, that's when I truly learned from them. When I found out that they may kill bugs, drink beer, eat junk food and all other unyogic acts that you can fill in here, it made me feel better about myself. For we're perfect with all our present imperfections right? And I'm striving for understanding that perfection in greater depth, not in changing myself. So yes, I start to reveal myself, and it feels good. And I guess I'm supporting my fellow challengers in saying, that maybe part of the journey in 30-days, is the challenge to go against the grain, and listen to what's best for you and only you. For me, it was the challenge to stop.

Day 17 of 30 - Hamscreams

Well, post-birthday week is here, and I feel good. Well, mostly good. My hamstring insertion point is giving me a wee bit of grief (lots of yoga, walking and cold, damp weather not the best mix), so my yoga today consisted of epsom salt bath and viparita karani (legs up the wall pose). During 30 days of yoga, I find the largest challenge to try to make it to a public class all the time. I miss the introspective quality of home practice, and I am trying to balance out all the awesome group practices I've been doing with the occasional gift of a home practice. My home practice today didn't consist of much, for after a morning and mid-afternoon full of errands, my tender hammy wanted some TLC, instead of strenuous activity. Thank goodness I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow!
Then yes, after yelping under the adept fingers of a professional, I'll be good to go, for I'm planning to attend some of Todd's class(es) at Yaletown tomorrow. Ready for some sweat and some sweet deep work with the master. Speaking of masters, I met another yesterday, Siri Karta at Inner Space Yoga. The depth of his knowledge and love for the practice was evident, and I thoroughly enjoyed my first time as a student at the lovely studio. I will definitely try to practice at Inner Space more often. That's another challenge! With so many incredible teachers that I have been meeting, and with the opportunity to practice in a variety of beautiful studios, it's tough to choose! Thank goodness I'm not here on vacation, for there's too much goodness at my fingertips.
Yes, it's finally starting to settle in that I'm here to stay. It's my home. Sure, I'm still uncertain of how to get around the rest of Vancouver outside of the downtown area, but that will come in time. I want to build my kula, settle in my lovely apartment, and continue to explore all that this delightful mecca has to offer. As I continue to explore what is around me, what is within me is becoming clearer and brighter every day. I feel more in contact with my self, my true nature, embracing my imperfections with my great traits as well. I know my tendencies that I have to look out for, and I am comfortable with my desires. Ha ha! I write this prior to me going out with some friends for some nibbles and dribbles, let's see how it goes...

Birthday Break

So I took me a birthday break. It was my gift to myself, after busy days of teaching, enjoying good food and wine with loved ones. Ahhh, the simple pleasures. So, I have a couple of days to catch up on for my challenge, but I'm okay with it. Today was the first Vancouver day that was DARK and RAINY all day long! Wow! I taught about bringing contentment and comfort into your body and mind through the practice, and I have to say, the familiar faces that I see in my classes have really started to uplift my spirits. I feel more part of a kula, and the support and warmth of a community is needed during dark and wet days like today. I learned that you must always be prepared, and today, being unprepared for the downpour, I got drenched. Sopping and soggy, my students today kept me dry within. Ahhh, I love teaching! It keeps me all warm and cheesy!
I sub-teach tomorrow at Flow, 9:30am Intermediate/Advanced if you want to come out and play. I guess I'll be doubling up on some classes this week to make up for my relaxing weekend, but unsure of who to choose. There are so many beautiful teachers here, I really have been enjoying this challenge, simply to meet and appreciate a whole bunch of different styles and teachers once again. Reimmerse myself into the beauty of yoga, no matter how it's done. But, I do love me some clarity, and I really am seeing that I love to motivate beginners, newer students that come in with uncertainties on the mat. I am aiming to let go of the reigns, and to truly let the spirit of this practice shine through me. Compassion is my intention for this upcoming year.
Yes, I don't know if you remember, but last year, Darren and Christina in Immersion 2 had us write down intentions for the year, in the simplest form. Mine for this past year was lila and prema, play and love. I believe I have found mine for this upcoming one. Compassion is defined as "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it" (dictionary.com) As I took a look at the word origin, it says it is Late Latin, compassionem (nom. compassio) "sympathy," from compassus, pp. of compati "to feel pity," from com- "together" + pati "to suffer". Yes, passion's origin is to suffer. This reminds me of something that stuck with me that Christina Sell wrote about in her book, that opening your heart feels more like breaking open your heart. There is a wound of freedom, which slowly then heals into pure bliss.
I know from experience the path to freedom and opening your heart is one filled with hurt and pain, for as you open you release. I feel it's my duty as a guide along this spiritual journey to practice compassion, to find the power in suffering together. As we allow the breaking open of our hearts to occur, healing it together is key. Ahhh, community, once again, the power of it brings me to tears. In class today, we shared prior to the practice what made us feel content, and I shared hot baths and great food. Many in the class, ontop of chicken soup and naps, shared that contentment was felt when they connected with someone, a friend who they haven't heard from in a while, a loved one. Contentment, continuing on what I've been learning from Friday is in the fact that we are not alone. There is no need to suffer by yourself. And yes, I believe as a community, not only can we relieve our wounds, but surpass them completely. Ahh, I love contemplation, need to think... and feel.

Lucky 13

It's fifteen minutes before my birthday as I write this. The big 29. I'm quite excited for this year. I know my classes I teach tomorrow will all be on the topic of celebration, but today was To Write Love on Her Arms day, and I focussed my teachings on that. If you have never heard of this cause, it is is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. Mainly by writing the word "LOVE" on your arms, you are showing your support, your love for each other. Yes, making the spread of love something significant, showing your friends that they are not alone. I have met many students and teachers of yoga that have suffered with depression, and the idea of being still (meditation) can be terrifying. The best therapy they have found for depression is physical activity. So, in my classes today, we put forth some additional effort to reach out our self-love to others.
Afterwards I stayed for Meghan Johnson's yin class, and if you haven't had the opportunity to practice with her, I'd reccommend it. Having come into a more yin practice to heal specific injuries, her knowledge of alignment and safety within her instruction is refreshing.
I've been contemplating the energetic power in practicing yoga in a community. It's very different than a personal practice at home. There can be more encouragement, more challenge, and in the effort and the upliftment within a class, an energetic shift. I had two students in my classes today come up to me after class and discuss energetic shifts that they felt. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that they felt safe to share this experience. Sometimes those experiences within that are harder to describe with words are the most powerful. I've heard of hot or cold shifts, expansive or contractive energy. I love how the kula I'm encountering is comfortable in sharing this information. For, as TWLOHA reminds us, we are not alone. Even in those most horrible feeling days, we are not alone. There is someone here for you. Yes, there is always your divine connection within, and once you connect energetically to that spirit, you are never alone. But, also, there is a power in the connection that you have to the people around you, within your yoga community, at your local coffee shop, wherever a smile or a glance is exchanged you are subconsciously feeding your friend some support.
Oh, it's midnight. Happy Birthday to me. And yes, even in a new city, where I am not celebrating with a big group of my friends and family, I am not alone. I have already had the opportunity within six weeks to build a support network, that will only continue to expand. So as I enter the big 29, I honour all those times I felt down and alone and unloved, and send the LOVE that I wrote on my arms today to me as well.

12 Days a Superhero

As I indulge into what seems to have become my daily chocolate chip cookie treat, I rest my sore feet, and look into what to relate. What a day! One of those delightful days that flows without your planning. Yes, it was a completely unplanned day. I taught at Yoga for the People this afternoon, then chatted with Suzanne about changing the Monday night class to a restorative class. Yes, it's official! I so missed having the blessing of teaching one restorative class to my students, so (a little self promotion here) if you'd like to ease into your week, come and partake in some restoration of you brilliant body and mind with me each Monday, 7:30-9pm!
I then traipsed over to Flow for the R&D session (a teaching group for YYOGA teachers) which was led by the lovely Christine Price Clark. After delving deep into the power of language and paying attention to how we convey our message, I was heralded back to Yaletown for a last-minute sub for Sjanie. I am a natural word dictionary and thesaurus user, I find etymology fascinating. So, I went into the understanding of the word alignment as I discussed in my previous blog (a state of agreement or cooperation among persons, groups with a common cause or viewpoint) to focus on the ability to align not only with ourselves, but with each other. And by the sound of the first OM, they were getting this idea of resonance. Ahhh.
Then on to my double dose of Christine, I stayed for her Int/Adv class. Holy sweat batman! We worked on encouraging our inner greatness to expand with some lovely metaphorical work with superheros, and finding our superhero chests with a connected shoulder and kidney loop. These refinements in a room packed with yogis already so in contact with their superhero qualities, it was a sweat-filled joyful practice to be in on. Yes, Day 12, and I'm still loving yoga, ha ha! Ontop of loving it, I am falling in love with my practice in a totally different way than ever before. The studentship and the teaching within this kula is high. I am surrounded by such greatness, it is hard to not feel great too! So yes, I'm in high spirits, chocolate fix accomplished, and superhero "S" shining on my bright chest.
I'm starting to understand the idea of letting go of the reigns. By not looking at my agenda today, and simply having the ability to feel where the natural flow led me to, I was able to participate in some incredibly shri-filled moments. Starting to feel a hint of that great revelation, but I know that there's more to come. I think I'm going to float over to another piece of chocolate to reward myself for all my hard work.

Day 11 Remembrance

I enter the second chapter of my 30 Day challenge on a day of remembrance. Which so poignantly recalls the energy of great spirits who have come and gone. I feel on the cusp of something great, as I honour the past, I gear towards what lies in the future. Maybe it's my upcoming birthday as well, but I'm energetically soft and introspective today. My day started with a yoga class at Yoga for the People with the founder, Suzanne Slocum-Gori. I wanted to introduce the studio to one of my close friends, so I accompanied her to partake in the power. I was astounded by Suzanne's sequencing, it felt so wonderful within my body, her intelligence of both the physical and energetic bodies shone through. If you have a chance and you are in the Vancouver area, sure, come and take my class at YFTP, but, most definitely try to take Suzanne's!

On the way to the class, literally five steps away from the studio, at the corner of Hastings and Cambie, the Rememberance Day services were in full tow. We stopped for a moment prior to class, to breathe and stand with the throngs of people packed into the intersection to watch and honour the tribute. Suzanne continued the tribute by discussing that energetically our ancestors are within us, and when we practice, we connect to this greater web of interconnectivity. Ah, yes, community, ancestors, people. We are linked by each breath we take.

After the class, my friend and I went for a walk along the seawall, so blessed by the beauty all around us. Calm waters, trees in fall bloom, birds rocking with the buoys, quiet and still. We sat at a bench, and chatted about life, and what was to come in the future for us. The questions, the desires, our wishes. Then we just stopped, and both bent back to look upwards at the canopy of leaves of yellows and reds, the twisted dark branches and the sky overhead. We breathed, we smiled and we sat silent, appreciating this intricate web of grace, knowing that it's all going to be okay.